After signing my separation agreement in the job that had been such an important part of my life in the last almost 9 years and knowing that my twins would finish high school and make their own attempt at living a good life – I felt I needed more than a holiday. Also, in 2023 I have been telling myself that it had been an especially difficult year, but then I realized that actually it all started in July 2018 and since then one change and difficulty led to another. Do not get me wrong – it does not mean that life has been awful. But it means that I needed a lot of resilience and energy to cope with it. As an HR professional focused on the well-being of leaders, I could easily identify the signs of a burnout on myself. Also, however supporting the environment is (and it is not always supportive 😡) real support is something you need to go for. All in all, there were so many discussions going on within me, around me, with me, in front of me that at one point all I wanted was Silence, with capital S. Silence, where I do not talk and where Nobody is talking to me, with me, about me.
So I Googled, found the place, talked to the people, planned it – to be honest, without knowing too much about what it will be. I needed two words: Silent and Retreat. In a way I went with my curiosity instincts and openness. So far these have taken me to some really good places.
When I told people about my plans – reactions were telling. Often I felt like a weirdo, some people warned me how hard this was going to be, some was worried I had some mental condition or I was going to join some sect. And of course some people were genuinely open, curious and supportive. In any case, people had their opinions, judgements, interpretations, emotions. Exactly the things I wanted to leave behind for some time to experience silence and nothingness. Something that is beyond opinions, judgment and interpretation.
I wanted to give myself time to just look into the pure data of life. Just to be. It is easier said than done. So here are the things that supported this JUST BEING. (Just BE is kind of the opposite of the Just DO It thing… the doing is often a way of escaping from the nothingness, emptiness of just being.)
In conclusion – as we are very unique creatures, our silent retreat experiences will be unique as well. It will depend on intentions, previous experiences of self discovery, openness, groundedness, our resonance with the given space and people. In other words, what I describe here is my experience and nothing else. Here is what MY SILENT RETREAT had given to me:
1. Nature is everything – I knew that before. Being in the middle of nowhere surrounded by mountains, summer breeze, a beautiful garden with amazing trees and lovely flowers is a healer in itself. Still, this retreat was different from just renting a nice cabin in the middle of the forest.
2. Silence is good – especially if it is not forced on you, but “when it falls on you”. Silence is a safe place where you can go back to after a discussion. Silence is a middle ground. Silence is experienced in a different way, when it breaks your usual habits – for me the biggest learning was eating together in silence. Eating in silence in general. That gave me a new dimension to tasting and enjoying food. Silence is an opportunity to observe the mind that takes you to different places. Silence is only dangerous for those who hide from themselves.
3. More on food – This week I ate vegetarian, freshly made, local, mostly organic food that somebody else put on my plate with love and caring. All elements of the previous sentence have its importance. I ate much less in general, lighter, without sugar and coffee. I had no cravings for snacks, desserts. I was never hungry. Eating was a special joy, shared with my hosts in silence. Every time the simple meal felt like a celebration of life.
4. Schedule vs schedule – I had a very supportive schedule to my day. (Well, not a full calendar of stuff I did not put on my schedule….) Minute by minute I knew what was happening, in other words: I knew exactly when NOTHING was happening. In between the silent free times there were simple things like meals, meditation, sharing. As simple as that. We all know how important routine is, but for me this time it became clearer why. The routine feeds the mind with safety. It will know that the body and emotions will be taken care of. This way the “free time” is real free time. Free from basic worries, hunger etc. There is a place for everything and knowing all that you are free to observe the mind.You have the time and space to JUST BE.
5. Meditation – I was almost entirely new to meditation. I am the kind of person who had turned to meditation only a few times for a shorter period of time to help me through a crisis. But I never made it into an integral part of my life. During this retreat I could try something else: Meditation was part of the daily routine, every morning for an hour. And we did this together with my hosts – it was a shared ritual, which did not include anyone whispering words into my ear through my airpods. We listened to music, then we did walking meditation in the garden and then we sat in silence. Normally, I would not be able to sit still for an hour, but this way I was able to fully relax and let go. Or not. But that is also okay, because I am not a Buddhist Monk who had been practicing this for decades. My ambition was to give it a try and see where it takes me. It helped me to be present. More present.
6. Walking – Walking alone is something I regularly do. Even if I am not on a silent retreat. Walking keeps me balanced when things go crazy. My body needs it, my mind needs it. So I spent some of my free silent time walking. It was like an anchor, something I knew well and found it easy to rely on. See, I have been practicing for silence. Still, long way to go.
So what? Well, NOTHING. This is the point. I did not go there to turn my life around. I went there to stop, take a deep breath and go on knowing there is a safe place in Italy, but also there is a much safer space of silence I can create for myself whenever I want to. Another tool for self-care I can rely on. And now that some time had passed, I remain silent more often than I did before and it does make a difference (less unnecessary dialogues, more understanding etc.)
If you are a leader, a person dealing with lots of complexities, if you feel overwhelmed, stressed, not able to stop – Silence might be the way to go. It is definitely a way for me.